the search for intelligent cubicle life

Sometimes You Just Can't Avoid That Awkward Momment

2007-11-28T19:44:00.000-05:00

A few months ago my group was hiring. Interview after interview did I endure until one day I got to a self assured young man. The interview went well, really well, right up until he told me he liked our role, but of course he ultimate career goal was a position in a different group in our organization. Scrreeeetch.. Hold the phone. Has he never read an interview book? Beyond that: here is someone who lacks any semblance of common sense. You might think this was a slip of the tongue, a mistake. Later I discover he repeated this statement to each of the people who interviewed him.

In the debrief, my boss expressed a great affection for this young man, although he was aware of his true career goal. I had to cut this off - because if he were hired, I would be the one who would have to train him, invest my valuable time. I said to my boss: why should I do all that knowing that the first job opportunity in the other group that came up he would jump at the opportunity and I'm still not over that he's stupid enough to say it.

So he wasn't hired.

Yesterday someone brought him to my desk to introduce him as a new employee in her group. And it's not the group he wants to end up in. He was introduced and I wasn't going to pretend I didn't know him. I replied: oh, we've met.

Coincidently, for the next round of interviews, my boss didn't include me (he doesn't like being contradicted). And we hired someone with absolutely no experience and seems to be a tad lazy. And I'm stuck training him and dealing with all his inabilities to handle any problems.

You just can't win.

No Explanation Neccesary

2007-10-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

Any irony to my boss asking me to google and watch the following video with him the day after our big harassment training?

Size Matters?

2007-09-24T20:34:00.000-04:00

Recently my boss ordered us all new flat screen monitors. When mine arrived, I almost sent it back. The thing is so huge, it feels as if it takes up half the desk. It's display so bright, I feel as if I'm blinded. I think I had a headache for the first 3 hours.

My boss stopped by my desk expecting my appreciation for my new toy. He nodded and smiled, saying: I could have gotten the smaller monitors, but I thought: why not get the huge one? We deserve it. To which I replied: I guess size does matter!

What is it with guys and their toys? I know his secret joy is that people in other groups don't have these monstrosities on their desks... that the presence of huge tech toys in our group makes us important, which in turn makes him important. Men are so silly sometimes.

What it takes to get through the day

2007-06-17T12:41:00.000-04:00

when you don’t want to go back from where you came from, but don’t know where you want to go next and where you are just isn’t tolerable.

Last week I had lunch with a friend of mine, someone I worked with a blue moon ago. She is fantastic at what she does, the kind of person you would hire in a millisecond because she is talented, diligent and knows how to get things done. She recently left a job because her company had merged and the new regime’s corporate culture wasn’t appealing to her and she didn’t agree with the new strategic direction for the merged entity. Her new job is in a tangentially related field, where she was told she could make the job what she wanted. They are paying her mad, crazy money to help them improve their service offering.

She hates the new job. The people at the new company are slow witted. They have no idea how to get new clients. She can’t figure out how it is that they have customers today. She vents to me how they sit in a room (30 people!) to decide minor things like should a button be green or blue on their home page. They discussed for 4 hours how to respond to an RFP. She wanted to take the form, leave the room and return later in the afternoon with the document completed. Everything moves at glacial speed.

Both her previous job and one of her clients from old job have approached her to work for them. But she knows leaving her old company was the right thing to do. She also knows staying at her new company isn’t acceptable. She isn’t sure that any amount of proding, coaching or flat out kicking of asses will shape up this firm. The slowness, the bueracracy, the stupidity engrained in the culture comes straight from the top. She has never been in this situation before. Her career has been a straight upward trajectory. For the first time, she has potentially made a bad choice.

I feel lost, she says, then leaning in close whispers to me: yesterday, I considered having a drink before work, just to get through the morning with these people.

You must get out, I think. This isn’t good. But she wants to try and make it work, to give it a chance. She needs time to figure out what to do next. But really, she isn’t sure what she wants to do next, that is why she wants to stay put for awhile. It’s difficult to make a decision on what to do next when your current situation is sucking the life out of you. What do you do when you realize where you are is absolutely not where you should be, but you have no idea which path to chose next?

Bad

2007-06-04T22:09:00.000-04:00

So this marks my triumphant return to this blog. My office rage remains unabated. The crazies around me still providing all the content one blogger could possibly use.

A crisis has slowly been creeping up upon my department. The issue is easy to forsee and completely preventable. However, office behavior being what it is, no one (even me) will do anything about it. We're too busy to be bothered with trivial details, after all.

You see, our admin left and hasn't been replaced. She belonged to everyone, so naturally, no one will take responsibility for her replacement. Secretly, people are probably pleased at the budget savings. But the result of this exit will soon push us over the edge because:

We has nearly run out of paper for printing and copying (not that we do much copying because the copier is almost always broken or jammed). As an astute observer of the office worker in the wild phenomena, I am facinated to see what will happen. How low will the drones stoop to avoid taking on a paper shortage? As in nature, there is a hierarchy of needs:

First: Paper is stolen from the fax machine. Fax is so passe anyway.

Next: Steal the paper from the other printer which that prints so slowly, that people actually walk farther to use the main printer.

After that: People began rifling through the drawers looking for any paper at all.. even a few sheets. I can almost see the bubble above people’s heads: “just let me find enough to get me through what I need to print!”.

When desperation really began to set in: Someone found a supply of paper with holes in it (as in 3 hole punched) and people were happily using that (though it isn’t the best for reports because you do miss whatever should have printed where the hole is. I saw one guy put paper in the printer from a secret stash of paper he seemed to have in his drawer. My boss has her own printer, so I’ll just have her print out things for me if I have to (assuming her paper stash wasn’t ransacked).

Finally, the low point: someone stands guard while a co-worker steals paper from another departments' printer.

Now, sadly I am no better than my co-workers on this issue. I have no willingness to find out how to order paper. I did ask a guy in my dept. if he knew who ordered paper and he replied: anyone can do it. And yet, no one seems to know how or is willing to take the initiative to figure out how. I feel I did my duty by taking on refridgerator duty (because a smelly refridgerator just skeeves me out). But to be honest, I find it amusing to watch the ways that people will avoid this issue. Someday soon, there will be no paper and a reckoning must come. Who will be the person who gives in?

Comminication Breakdown

2007-03-12T23:04:00.000-04:00

Friday afternoon at 4pm (when I'm at lowest of my brainiac powers), my tech lead phones me.

Him: Um, um, um. I've got a bunch of things to discuss with you, but, um... right now, um, I've only got time for one of them.

Me: {sigh} Ok, let's have the one.

Him: Well, he, no... actually.. I'll discuss two things.

Me: Alright.

Him: ok, first... I spoke to Joe this morning who had a a day off today...while he was driving... to another state... to see his family.

Me: {sweet jesus! he doesn't have time for more than 1 topic, but he has time to tell me all that detail?} And??

Him: he needs to circle back with you on a few things in order to close these issues?

Me: so the update is you spoke to Joe in his car and the issue is not really resolved. Ok, what is #2?

Him: Ok, I've got to run a scenario by you. If you take ARCKY and then create a FARCKY and then someone edits the FIARKY..

Me: WO! What are you talking about? Are you speaking in Pig Latin?

Him: oh {tee hee hee}, me and the developers came up with our own acronyms for some things. We've had quite a good time of it!

Me: Whatever gets you through the day. However, since I don't know your acronyms I can't follow your you.

Him: ok, well the acronyms are... {he then blurts out about 8 different acronyms all of which sound very similar}.

Me: {is this guy serious?}

Him: so If you take ARCKY and then create a FARCKY and then someone edits the FIARKY..

Me: {OMG. Someone shoot me now. It's 4pm on Friday!}

Him: {animated}... so you can see, this is a whole new way of building the functionality which I think will be a big improvement!

Me: {if I hung up, could I say we got disconnected and not have him figure it out? Is he seriously proposing a brand new technical design - of something we've been discussing for 4 months - on a Friday at 4pm? And really expecting an answer? Is he realy presenting a brand new design on Friday at 4pm and thinking he is going to get approval to change things at this point? Is this person insane? Then I realize this is a person who thinks it's normal to begin a conversation with: I have a number of things to talk to you about, but right now I only have time for 1. Just start off with the 1! }

I think we need to think about it, is all I could muster in response. I'm too tired for this crap.

Play the Game

2007-03-06T06:56:00.000-05:00

The higher you move up the office hierarchy, the more savvy you must become in the office politics game. In my office, many keep their negative opinions of others to themselves so as not to be crushed. However, when it comes to groups that are systemically not performing, which in turn hinders the success of the company as a whole, I think appropriate to throw a few barbs... ok, a few helpful hints.

One cultural flaw in my office (and believe me, it's not the only one) is that the project managment group takes no ownership of the projects. They set up meetings, sometimes they take notes (and send them out - but then they expect kudos), they send out a weekly status report. However, they don't seem to think it necessary for them to actually understand what the project is about, or keep on top of whether various project participants are completing their tasks on time, or if someone stumbles across a road block and needs help, the project manager is not the person you would go to. They would most likely stare at you blankly, as if to say: are you implying I should do something about that? Recently, one PM began a meeting with higher ups about her project with: I'm not the business expert here, but I think the project is about X. Um, NO. As a project manager you should at least be able to explain, at a high level, what the project is and why the company is investing resources working on it.

I understand how the project management group evolved into this behavior. Their leader is sort of weak. Our projects seem to always veer wildly off course. I say: in no small part because they have no management, but.. also it's because of the behavior of everyone else on the projects. And if project management was actually managing the projects, they would have to lay accountability for where projects go off the rails on something or someone. See, the head of project management can't do that, because he'd get in trouble and it wouldn't look good for him. Nice, right?

So where is the game. I've been known to say (as have some others), that if our project managers were more evolved than administrative assistants and if people were held accountable for their work, our projects would go much smoother. This opinion does not go over well in the office. Recently, a former co-worker contacted me to say she was looking for a project management job. I told her my opinions of the project management group at my company, but that perhaps if someone strong arrived and led by example, things could change. I'm not really optimistic about this, but I want to help this person in their search. If he decides to work here, he'll be aware of the situation prior to accepting a position. Yesterday I ran into the head of project management and told him I may have a candidate for his open position. The reply was: and you'll put your name to it? At that point I knew that no one I recommend will have a chance. See, my rumblings about his staff haven't made him very happy. The sad thing is, I'm not displeased about these events. I do worry that someone who was used to really managing projects would be extremely unhappy in our environment. In these turn of events, I've appeared to be helpful to my old colleague, but don't have to worry I've put him in a miserable situation.

Somehow I still don't feel good about the game, though.

The Importance of Morale at Work

2007-03-04T21:07:00.000-05:00

Around this time a few years ago, I was working on a very large project, for which my employer had engaged a consulting company to provide about a third of the development resources. The project had been deemed essential to my employers future strategy and worthy of the time and resources invested. The project ran long, as they tend to do when many, many people have been charged with working on an initiative. One day the higher ups looked at the project, exclaimed: the project is costing a million dollars a month! We're hemoraging. The consultants must go! Subsequently, an email came out announcing this decision and that a 2 week stay of execution would be allowed to provide "enough" time for knowledge transfer from the consultants to the staff on their assigned tasks. My first thought was: well this sucks. My second thought was: naturally the release date won't change.

And I was correct: it did suck and the date did not move. There seemed to be no acknowledgement that removing a third of the resources might impact the timeframe. As usual, the bottom line had won out without a true analysis of the cost. Yes, the million dollars a month was reduced, but the to lecture us on the importance of the project and it's ability to improve our revenue, thus making the date was imperitive... really? The project is SO important to you that you cut the resources? The project is SO important to you that you don't care how badly you have impacted the morale of your staff. Not only did you disrupt their relationships with people, some of whom we had been working with for almost two years, you then added insult to injury by increasing our work when we took over their tasks. The situation resembled when companies have large layoffs, but at least in that case there is an acknowledgement of loss and that people may be upset. Here the attitude was: they were consultants, not permanent employees. You should not feel badly about them. Nor should we have felt badly for ourselves, working new and increasingly insane hours to achieve the impossible: completing the project on time. Management viewed our extra labor as free, because after all, as exempt employees it was! The next announcement corporate wide was that in order to keep the company costs down, there would be no raises that year. We should work hard to make the date, so the company can make more revenue (and greater profit due to lowered expenses), and yet, we will not gain from our labor.

Tell me, what is our motivation? Higher ups may say: pride in a job well done. But I somehow doubt they weren't getting raises, that their bonus pool was reduced in any way. Are you surprised that the project dragged on and on because the morale of the team plummeted? Would you be shocked to discover because of these delays the total cost of the project was higher than if the consultants had been kept?

Lessons to management:
1. The short cut way does not always take you down the shortest path
2. The measly staff level people know can smell your hypocrisy a mile away
3. The morale of the people who do the work matters

I Know I've Been MIA

2007-01-20T13:34:00.000-05:00

Never fear! There is no end to ridiculous corporate hijinks. Recently I had my annual review. One of the generic criteria we are judged on is: embraces learning opportunities. My boss tells me in the review says: "I feel you've really done well on this one this year, and next year I'd like to see you embracing learning this that and the other as well as embracing me.

Screeecchhh... hold the phone, right? Wrong. He's just bad with words sometimes. What he really means is: LIKE ME! Yes, I have one of those bosses that needs to be liked and wants to be you're buddy. This sort of boss is fine when work is sailing along smoothly, but works quite poorly when issues arise. He doesn't like to deal with conflict (unless he can control the entire situation, which is seldom the case) so he won't lay down the law regarding what he wants to happen, then he acts disappointed when he doesn't get his way.

The Once in a Career Momment

2006-12-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading along, you'll know that I have many issues with Agile Development - a process loved by those who don't like to write anything down - including (despite what our Agile evangelist says) it's willy nilly nature, failure to plan and outright lack of good analysis. It's a process the developers seem to love, and all other functions on IT projects are left holding the bag. Now, I'm not totally opposed to Agile, it has it's time and place. Certain types of projects would benefit from it's tenents, but not the project I'm currently on. So I've been venting my frustration, risking the 'negative' or 'resistant to change' label.

Then last week Agile training came to my company (note: now that we're 6 months into an Agile project, it's a good time to learn how it works!) and even now the training is only for big wigs and project managers. WELL.. apparently they went through a list of criteria for the types of projects are good candidates for Agile. My project did not meet one of the criteria... not one!

My boss returned from the training, sat on my desk and said: every thing you've been complaining about on your project was listed as something never to do. And there you have it: an actual office redemption... an actual office 'I realize you were right and I acknowledge it' moment. Yeehaw...

Tags:work

Had a Bad Day

2006-11-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

Anytime you have a conversation with a developer involving the following: "NO! The error message displayed to the user can't say 'the stored procedure failed''... "what do you mean why? Because they have no idea what that means, that's why", it's a bad day.

Tags:work

IT
tech

Right Hand... Meet Left Hand

2006-11-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

Today at work I overheard 2 conversations which were going on simultaneously..

one on the right side of my desk on how we need to cut budget on our project. What does the consultants statement of work say? What will happen if we need to scale them back?

on the left side of my desk: ok, we need to add the xml conversion to what the consultants are doing because we don’t have the bandwidth. (note: the consultants are involved in this discussion). How much does that increase your scope of work and cost?

hmmm……

Agile Conversation of the Day

2006-11-17T17:05:00.000-05:00

Today after sitting through the review of the business case document for the next big project (NBP), I asked the question I really wanted answered: are we using Agile for this project, as has been rumored? Then this conversation ensued:

Business owner: I don't even know what Agile is. I keep hearing development wants to use it, but they don't tell us what it is. How am I supossed own a project when I don't understand the process?

Project Manager: I've heard what Agile is. It's when you don't do alot of analysis upfront, instead the Business Analysts just work directly with the developers so you don't really need specs. You break up the work into something called "iterations" where you build part of the code, but it doesn't always come out the way you want, so you have to re-do it or "iterate" on what you've already built.

The bubble above my head says: { sweet Jesus! She's clueless! I've got to get out of this room}

Tags:work

Agile Quote of the Day

2006-11-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

by the Agile Evangelist from my office...

Ability to thrive in chaos is an important trait in the successful Agile project member

ok, sure ability to thrive in chaos can be a valuable trait, but shouldn't chaos be the exception, not the rule. Shouldn't we want to not deliberately create chaos to thrive in? Is it just me?

Tags:work

Agile Quote of the Day #2

2006-11-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

There are many flavors of Agile, we are using just one and it's not the willy nilly, totally chaotic kind

Tags:work

Agile Quote of the Day

2006-11-14T21:04:00.000-05:00

We're trying Agile Development at work (because if you don't like how things are going: change the process or have a reorg. Dealing with the actual issues.. no way!)

Almost every day my mouth falls open as I encounter yet another principal of or factoid about Agile that goes against everything I've learned and experienced in 8 years in the software industry. The Agile evangelist in my office can really come up with some doozies.. so without further ado, I give the first, in what I'm sure will be many Agile quotes of the day:

Planning makes projects inefficient

Tags:work

Roles & Responsibilities

2006-11-11T10:57:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been thinking about roles & responsibilites in the office: how they are officially defined, the reality of who does what and further how this affects employees rewards and incentives.

I've noticed that in every office I've worked in there are at least a couple of people who get to do whatever they want, no matter what their job title. I watch and study them, and their trick, it seems to me, is two-fold:
1. They actively persue and insert themselves into the areas in which they wish to be involved. These areas tend to (totally coincidently!) be the areas that provide the most exposure to higher ups. They get themselves invited to meetings, they inject their options and just act as if they are in charge of whatever is issue of the day. Eventually, this person's behavior becomes part of the culture and others just assume this is the correct person to be involved.

2. They pretend that things they are uninterested in persueing are outside of their responsibility, even if they clearly are part of their job. If such a task comes up in a meeting, they will sit, mute, waiting for someone else to volunteer to take on the work and if that doesn't happen, they will go so far as to suggest someone to fullfill the responsibility. If that person balks, they will be chided with some sort of "not being a team player" speech (usually: there's no I in team, you know).

This is how at my last job, I, a business analyst, was managing developers: making sure they got their code done, got in checked in on time, even helping them unit test it, while the "Development Manager", who was at the same level as me went off to "Strategic Sessions" to determine which project from a business perspective should be planned for the following year. Who do you think was rewarded during the next review cycle? Him, of course. See, he got all this visibility upwards AND appeared to be managing his group effectively. Meanwhile, I was doing half his job, while my own suffered... all for the "team" (there appears to be no big raise in team, by the way). Although the "team" did succeed in this case, the rewards didn't go to the team player in this case, they went to the person who put their individual accomplishment first.

What does this tell us about American business? That it's important to toot your own horn? That individual accomplishment secretly is more important than team? That men know better how to play the game? All of the above?

What was the correct way for me to act in that situation? There is no good way out. A reputation as not a team player isn't what one wants to have. Is the path to success to appear to be a team player, but secretly working towards your individual accomplishment only? Sadly, this does seem to be the case. I'm not sure how I could have made this situation better, except to make clear the way that I stepped up when the company needed me, to not let it appear that I hadn't taken on additional work, to toot my own horn, so to speak.

Tags:work

What We Have Here is A Failure to Communicate

2006-11-10T15:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was on the phone with a male co-worker discussing our current project. He was asking me if I had updated a document and I've got so many things going on, I literally couldn't remember if I'd done made the changes. Then this conversation happens:

Me: I remember thinking about making the change, but I don't think I did. Let me open it up and check.
{ I scan through the document }
Me: OH! I'm a big fat liar.. I DID make the changes.
Him: You're not fat.
{ I have spotted a typo and zoom in to focus on fixing that when.. suddenly I realize what he said }
Me: What?!
Him: You said you're fat and you're not
Me: I didn't say I was fat! I said my lie was fat.
Him: All the same, you're not fat.
Me: Let's move on..

At the time I thought: that is wacky, but now that I've had time to think about it more I'm all over the map about it. Because I'm over-analytical I have many issues.

A. What?
B. How is it possible some one could misinterpret what I said?
C. I know if I'm fat or not fat. I don't need him to tell me that.
D. If I did think I were fat, do you think I would actually say I thought I was fat?
E. If the answer to D is yes, wouldn't I be some pathetic low self-esteem person trying to fish for someone to tell me I'm not fat.
F. Is that what he thinks? I'm going to kick his skinny butt!
G. Most of all, I think I'm insulted at this what I think was really a thinly veiled attempt at flattery. Does he think I'm that simple? Does he think I need that kind of boosting up? Do I come across as that needy? Why would he chose that as a compliment? I mean: would he say that to a guy? I don't think so. I'm really going to kick his skinny ass!

Or maybe I just think too much. Upon further reflection I think it should just be filed in the "dumb things guys sometimes say when they are trying to be nice" file.

Tags:work

The Mac/PC Holy Wars - Vol. 3547

2006-10-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Last week I overheard someone from the business side discussing a competitors user interface with our UI designer. The conversation went like this:

Business person: I really like the way their site looks... I mean the design. Look at it.. how do they get it to look so good?
Designer: Hmmm..
Business person: Maybe they design on a Mac? Could that be why it looks so much better than ours?

Tags:work

work
design

GA!

2006-01-30T17:03:00.000-05:00

The network admin just decided that since it's 5pm, he can restart all the servers without warning. I better not have lost everything I was just working on, but I'm thinking the last half hour of my life was a waste.

So Many Ways to Be Bad

2006-01-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

Computerworld has a series on how to survive a bad boss. One section describes the many ways bosses can be bad. I believe my boss exhibits all of them.

Seriously...

2006-01-27T17:34:00.000-05:00

my boss just asked me where I am on the "happy camper
scale"

I'm low. Very low.

Poo Strikes Again

2006-01-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

My boss, the pointy haired/guy from the office combo (I’m going to call him Pointy Office Official or poo) is one of those people who needs to prove how hip and cool he still is (and by definition someone who wants to do that is not hip or cool). One of the ways he attempts to convey this is by playing a radio in his office. He chooses top 40 music. All he proves is his poseur status. His favorite band is His favorite band, however, is a band (to remain nameless to protect their fragile reputation) who was a minor pseudo indie band who had one hit in the early 90’s (on a major label). Apparently they continue to pump out albums. Who knew? Once at one our torturous staff lunches™ (where we’re required to go out as a group, we have to pay for it ourselves and the conversation so pained that sticking a fork in your eye just to have something to talk about seems appealing), he put the whole staff on the spot.

Poo: So I’m I have an extra ticket to see Pseudo Indie band. I got two tickets and it seems no one else wants to go with me. Which of you would like to go?
Staff: { staring down, moving food around on their plates, a minute at least passes }
Girl with Attitude: They are still around? Who knew?
Me: { oh no }
Poo: Oh, yes, they have about 12,000 albums now, they go on tour every year. Of course they took a break between album 5 and 6 when the singer quit. But then they got another guy who can sing just like him and they’ve been back hard since.

He continued in this direction for a few minutes, but I stopped listening and stared out the window. Oh look there is friggin’ Hummer. Gas guzzler!

When he finally stops talking, no one says anything. Finally, the older cranky uber geek starts talking about a server upgrade. Thank God! Who ever thought talking about a server upgrade would be cause for so much joy.

Soon after this, on the Friday before I was leaving on vacation, he appeared in my office with a burned copy of one of his favorite bands cd’s. He hands it to me and I stare at it.
Poo: I thought you might want to check it out while you are on vacation.

My mouth agape, I take it from him. Just what I want to do on my vacation. Listen to some crappy, washed up band so I can discuss it with him when I return. Why is he doing this to me? But I throw it in my bag, and then completely forget about it.

Maybe two months later, my boss spies me laughing with someone in the mail room. The site of him the room is enough to wipe the smiles off everyone’s face. Minutes later he appears in my office to ensure I’ve returned from my enjoyable conversation with someone who is not him. As he has no real reason to be in my office, he uses the cd as his excuse. It takes me a few seconds to realize what he is talking about. I dig around in my bag and sure enough, it’s still there. I hand it to him.
Poo: { with an eagerness that is almost frightening } so what did you think?
Me: { after a brief thought about lying and saying it was good, decide not to go that route. I refuse to encourage this behavior } to tell the truth, I haven’t had time to listen to it
Poo: well how are we going to discuss what you thought about it?
Me: I guess we won’t be able to
Poo: hmm.. well I guess I could make you come in my car and we could drive around listening to it.
Me: { mouth hanging open }
Poo: but then again my car doesn’t have a cd player, so I guess that wouldn’t work out.
Me: { OMG! } I guess not
Poo: ok, carry on.

The Worst Possible Boss

2006-01-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

There was a time when the worst possible boss was the pointy haired boss from Dilbert, but now there is a lower life form: the guy from the Office. Then there is my boss: the pointy haired/guy from the Office combo.

Sometimes I amsue myself by dropping technical terms into conversations just to see how he botches using them later. But in the last few weeks, since I started watching the American version of The Office, I've come to realize how bad my boss is.

This will be the first in a series..

One day I was working at home. I received an email from another manager (who my boss happens to be comptetive with) requesting a piece of minor information about something I am familiar with, but which doesn't fall under my bosses domain. I replied with the information within a few minutes. 20 minutes later my phone rings. It is my boss. Him: did you reply to the other manager with the information?
Me: yes
Him: well, I wasn't copied on the reply
Me: { silence } is there some reason you would be?
Him: well, how else am I going to know what is going on?
Me: { silence }
Him: I saw that you had copied me on some emails earlier, so because you are home, I thought I would just check in and make sure you didn't open your email, send a few emails, then close it.
Me: { ?#?#?Q!! } I sent him the information. Anything else?
Him: No

Work IM of the Day

2006-01-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

co-worker: Tell my why I don’t like Mondays?
co-worker: I don’t like mondays…
co-worker: I don’t like mondays…
Me: I want to sh-oo-oo-oo-t the whole day down

The Challenge is On!

2004-08-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

foofaraw \FOO-fuh-raw\, noun:
1. Excessive or flashy ornamentation or decoration.
2. A fuss over a matter of little importance.

As the second definition being the perfect word to describe most of the meetings I go to, I sent it to a co-worker and we are now in a contest to see who can use the word first in a meeting. He’s going down… foofaraw!

How to Lose Control of a Training Class

2004-08-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

in one simple step:

When teaching a class on yet another software development process (YASDP) which uses approximately a million unfathomable acronyms (UA)… if you are asked what an acronym represents, stand there perplexed and then say “please refer to the document in the reference section of your big ass binder (BAB) entitled “1001 Acronyms”. I kid you not.

At least there are snacks…

I’ve Rewritten My Job Description:

2004-08-10T12:10:00.000-04:00

Attend as many pointless meetings and conference calls where things that have already been discussed to death without resolution will be discussed again (with out coming to a resolution) as possible.

I believe on my goal setting document if that is my job description I am in for an outstanding review and a whopping raise!

Seriously…

2004-08-05T10:09:00.000-04:00

Actual phone conversation at work recently:

ring ring

me: hello, this is Amy

{10 seconds of pure silence}

person from another department (pfad): ummm…. yeahh.. uumm….

(now I speak to this person regularly so I know who it is from her voice, but I wait)

pfad: umm, yeah… um, Amy… . yeah, it’s pfad.

me: hi

pfad: yeah, umm… {silence} ummm…. we should talk about… um…
yeah…. umm…. let me pull it up… yeah. um… {more silence}

(I have no idea what she wants to talk about and I’ve decided I’m not going to help her out by just asking. I’m facinated to see how long she will go on like this with no focus)

pfad: you see… um,, well.. yeah.. the thing is…

(I’m thinking to myself: this person found my number, dialed it, waited for me to answer and the whole time hadn’t put a thought together as to how to explain what she needed to talk to me about. Well, I’m willing wait)

pfad: yeah…. well. do you know what I’m saying?

me: no

pfad: yeah…. umm…

(I begin thinking about the woman next to me on the train this morning. She had on purple mascara. Are colored mascaras back? Where does one even get them these days?)

pfad: umm, the thing is we need to {extended pause} talk about, um…

(I’m seriously considering asking her if she is high right now)

me: what is it?

pfad: testing

me: you mean testing for project X for which there is a meeting scheduled tomorrow?

pfad: um… well, yeah.

me: why don’t we talk about it tomorrow at the meeting with the whole team

pfad: ok

Seriously, I can’t take it sometimes. I don’t know how I don’t flip out at people.

It’s the Little Things…

2004-07-26T10:07:00.000-04:00

that drive me crazy. Here are just two examples of stupid crap that I have to deal with. I’m not even angry about these because they are two small and inconsequential, but: what is wrong with people?

1. Today I received an email with the following attachment: XYZ Final (preliminary).doc. The text of the email says: I’ll be updating this later and sending it out by Wednesday.

2. Second email: I’d like to link to such and such content on the site, can technology confirm that this is the url: www.oururl.com/content they want. Um, do you think you could just click on that and see if it’s what you want to link to?

Um.. yeah, sure

2004-07-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

On my current work project there is a developer who has been consistently behind on all his deadlines and is in general a fuckwit with either little comprehension or little regard for the project requirements (my favorite line of his until today was that since he had coded it a certain way, that must be what the requirements were - even when presented with evidence that he was incorrect). Recently it has become quite apparent that his assignment is just not going to be done (at least correctly) and thus our project is FUBAR. Let the blamestorming begin! On a status call today he comes up with the following: although he realizes that the project manager has consistently asked for updates and always asks if there are any missed deliverable, he didn’t realize that his lack of response to this question would be taken as an assumption that he was on track. And this is because on every other project he has ever worked on (and he’s been a developer since the ’80’s, you know) the project manager has explcitly asked: will you be done - yes or no. Since he has never responded “yes, I will be complete” on this project, it has been his assumption for some time that the project manager understood he was behind and needed help and had escalated this issue. Thus the whole problem is really the project managers fault. And he is officially saying today that NO, he will not be complete. Hope that is clear to everyone.
um: what?? mouths drop, dead silence ensues. He can’t be serious, right? Oh, but you’re wrong.

Wishing & Hoping & Praying

2004-06-23T14:05:00.000-04:00

I was just in a meeting that was SO boring. How boring was it? So boring that I began to imagine escape routes. No possible excuse for just getting up and leaving came to me. Finally, in desperation, I began clicking my heels together 3 times and thinking: there is no place like home, there is no place like home. I opened my eyes. I was still there, people were still droning on (and on and on and on….)

I thought perhaps home is too much to ask for. I’ll lighten up the request. I clicked my heels 3 times and thought: there is no place like my cube, there is no place like my cube. I opened my eyes. I was still there. Inhumane!

I decided to lower my expectations once more. I clicked my heels and thought: there is nothing like the largest possible iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts to prevent me from actually falling asleep in front of all these people, there is nothing like the largest possible iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts to prevent me from actually falling asleep in front of all these people. Still nothing..
So I stared at the table. For 2 hours.

For Those Who Work on the Web..

2004-06-17T10:03:00.000-04:00

I was just on a conference call where someone who claimed to be an experienced web tester asked:

accessibility testing? isn’t that when you test if someone can access the site?

Only in Boston..

2004-04-08T09:58:00.000-04:00

My office building is giving a party in the lobby today to celebrate the start of the Red Sox season. The home opener is tomorrow, but of course the party can’t be then as it’s Good Friday and half the city will take the day off. The lobby area is quite impressive - there is an organ playing baseball tunes, a version of the scoreboard, baseball cards, peanuts, popcorn, ice cream sandwiches (with guys in Red Sox uniforms to hand it all out) - all that is missing is the Fenway Franks and the beer. And oh, wouldn’t the beer have been great!

Let’s Go Red Sox!

Geek Speak

2004-03-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

Swear to God, last week sometime I was copied (along with numerous others) on an email from a developer. It went something like this:
The code checks the value after converting the string to a floating point value. Should there be a divide by zero error, I _assume_ that the IM will stop processing the module and return, causing the middle of the page to be blank.
The error occurs because I am using dot notation to access the values,
i.e. object.FIELD_NAME. In this case I should have used object[FIELD_NAME]. (For you bitheads, I declare the fieldname as a
constant at the top of the script.) I suspect that what is happening is
that the reference is returning null. Math.parseFloat, which converts the
string to a floating point number is then converting null to NaN, (not a
number). This value is compared to numeric 0, and returns false. Since
I test for ‘not equals’, this would, in this case, return true. So the
result is as if I never tested for zero at all.

ummm… yeah… say what? I was forced to reply: in English please, but what I really meant was: and I care about this because… ?? Eventually, it was explained to me that whatever the above says was causing errors to fill the server error logs and the Great Gods of the Servers Logs* were rumbling with anger. Now that I can get my head around.

* people I don’t know and would be frightened to meet. I’m sure they sit in a basement somewhere with no natural light sources.

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

2004-03-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

Today’s wacky IM’s:

guy: ask D* why he isn’t online so I can IM him

*D sits in the cube next door to me

Me: I can’t talk to him now, he is sitting in his cube giggling to himself and has ignored my 2 requests to tell me what is so funny

Guy: are his pants up or down

MIA

2004-02-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

My work computer is the oldest, slowest piece of crap allowed by law (yup, the same one with the defective hard drive). I swear. I think I may take up knitting during the time it takes some files to open. My boss claims he has no money in the budget to replace it (due to some of my dufus officemates who had their laptops stolen - which even though we have insurance for somehow doesn’t get applied back to our budget or so he claims. But that is a post for another day). One day I received an email from the big IT department in the sky saying it was time to replace my computer as part of their “you’re computer is so old and out of warranty that we refuse to support it anymore, so we will replace it from our budget” plan. Yippee!

About a week later, the computer arrives. Yippee! Except that I have to wait for the big IT department in the sky to come and image the computer. Basically, this means they load the standard software on and in the process I lose all the software that I use everyday as my department uses a “non-standard” image which drives the IT people crazy.

Days go by. Nothing happens. I’ve had the box under my desk for a week when someone from IT calls me to ask if I’ve received the computer and tells me that another IT person will call me to set up an appointment for imaging. He can’t set up the appointment because he is in a different department (the “calling to see if a package arrived” dept., I guess. Part of the “benefit” of working for a large company is there is a dept. for everything, none of which acutally bother to communicate to the rest).

Days go by. Nothing happens. One day an IT guy (the one from the butt crack incident) walks by my desk and says: is that a new computer? You need to have that imaged. Me: ya think? He proceeds to get a cart, load up my computer and tell me he will take it to his lab where he will image it and bring it back. It’s easier that way, you know. Me: whatever.

That was about a week and a half ago and I’ve not seen or heard from the IT guy since. I called him yesterday and his voicemail said he was going to be out Tues. and Weds. Since it was Thurs. I thought he would call me back. No. So I called him again today and now his message has changed to say he will be out until next Weds.

What are the chances that this guy is out selling computers on the street that he has wheeled away from unsuspecting people like myself??
I am never getting a new computer and when this one dies (and it will), I will refuse to work.

Actual Email..

2004-02-03T10:17:00.000-05:00

I sent to someone at work today:

you could have finished this in the time you have spent explaining why you’re too busy to do this.

Sometimes you just have to laugh..

2004-01-13T10:16:00.000-05:00

recently my group was asked to do a last minute change to an upcoming release to our site. The tech team was in an uproar, chaos insued. Just now I looked in our defect tracking tool and to my great surprize and pleasure, it is marked completed. In the comments section, the developer had simply written: zowie!
I have been laughing for 5 min.

Ways to Create a Deathly Silence* on a Conference Call

2003-12-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

I am working on 3 different projects currently and I’ve heard 2 different project managers create 2 deathly silences this week.

Project 1
Project Manager: can you detail where we stand with the bugs relating to such and such.
Tech Lead: well, ah.. I need to talk to the QA lead and I’ll send you the details via email later today (note: these bugs have existed for over 2 weeks, so there is no excuse for him not being able to speak to these issues.)
Project Manager: Well, I have to go report to the steering committee on these issues, could you at least give me a sense of the severity of the defects.
Tech lead: Well. Ah.. they’re severe.
…deathly silence…

Project 2:
Project Manager: ok, the conversion process has run into some problems. Right now the theory is that the database has become corrupted. If that is the case, we will need to fix the database and rerun the conversion, which will take 7 days. What that means is that testing in staging will at best be able to begin Dec. 20. Now, let’s talk about resources for the week of Christmas for testing. (said with complete calm as if she were asking about resources for a week in Sept., not a week where there is a major holiday and technology is usually in a freeze, which allows most people to feel safe in planning time off, in fact most people save up their vacation to take that week and up to new years off). Ok, starting with so and so.. what day’s will you be in that week? (note: not to put anyone on the spot or anything, eh?)
…deathly silence…

* defined as over 20 seconds where no one speaks and you start to wonder if people are still breathing it’s so quiet.

Yet another heavy sigh

2003-12-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

I just returned from a meeting in which I was the only female. A man from another dept. came to the meeting and when he arrived, he went around the table to introduce himself and shake hands. He skipped over me and then came back and introduced himself to me last. Then he spent the entire meeting staring at my chest. I was staring back at him open mouthed. I couldn’t even listen to anything he said in the meeting because I was so amazed. And it wasn’t as if he was an older person and you might be able to say that was just how he was raised (not to say that is an excuse).. he was maybe 40. I like being employed, but I hate my job.

Actual Email..

2003-11-13T22:15:00.000-05:00

This is an actual email I recently sent to a friend who used to be a Project Manager:

You have been a project manager.. (or played one on tv). Is this the appropriate way to go about setting up a series of meetings:

First: spend a ton of time figuring out how to use the “auto select” feature in Outlook, so it will find times when everyone is available. Note: there are only 4 people invited to these meetings. Meanwhile, everyone is holding their schedules open waiting for the series of meetings to get set up.

Second: send the invitations to the 10 meetings in rapid succession. Do not include location because you haven’t booked the rooms yet. Later, when you book the rooms, you’ll be sending out updates to the meeting to fill everyone’s mailbox even more. Then when you can’t find available rooms for the scheduled meetings, you’ll have to reschedule the meetings and send 12 more updates while trying to get agreement on time.

Project Managers response: I believe this is standard CMM* procedure. Please refer to the Project Managers check list of how to make a project completely unbearable as found in the extensive CMM documentation.

* Capability Maturity Model: an extremely bureaucratic process used in technology projects where everything must be documented. There is documentation on the documentation, the documentation takes 3 times as long as the project, you practically need a whole person just to make sure all the documentation gets done - not to DO the documentation, just to coordinate the documentation.

Attention Developers

2003-11-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

Do not send out mass emails to announce that something is fixed when, in fact, you have only fixed it on the version of the code on your local computer. If you are the only person who can it working, it’s not fixed to anyone but you. It hasn’t been tested and in fact there are numerous reasons why something would work locally, not not once it’s in the system.

Thank you for your attention

Rock On!

2003-07-11T22:14:00.000-04:00

Today someone I work with sent out an idiotic email which emphasized his complete misunderstanding of an issue and then said or am I missing something.

And someone replied simply: you’re missing something.

YES!

You Know Your Place of Employment May Need Help When..

2003-07-07T10:12:00.000-04:00

you walk through another dept. and you hear the following:
“wo-ho Jane finally quit! Good for her!” followed by a group of people cheering.

Coincidence.. I think not

2003-05-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

Earlier I sent around this Dilbert to some people I work with to mock the 2 hour torture some staff meetings we have in my group. We just got an email canceling our next staff meeting. I fear the message here may be that passive aggressive activity works.

The Matrix

2003-05-13T10:26:00.000-04:00

This is an approximation of email chain at work today -

S: There is a meeting about creating a web project plan template to be used on all projects going forward in order to be compliant with the new process initiative. I think you should go as you know the most about what we actually need to get done these projects.

Me: New process initiative? What is wrong with the old process that we’ve been using and most people are happy with?

S: The process auditors don’t like it because there are too many different documents, they can’t figure out what is going on. (editors note: the new process has MORE documents!)

Me: Process auditors? Well, when is this new process supossed to start? There are 4 or 5 projects going on with the old process. If the old process isn’t compliant, why did C spend an entire year coming up with it and documenting it? What was he doing?

S: All projects started this year are supossed to use the new process. Hasn’t C mentioned this to you? He tried to map the old process to the new process, but apparantly it was too hard for him.

Me: This is the first I’ve heard of this. So it was too hard for C to map the processes, so he just didn’t mention to ANYONE there is a new process in town? How did he think people were going to find out this? Does he know none of our projects are using it (whatever it is)? Who else is in this meeting to discuss the project plan template?

S: C is just taking the path of least resistance, as always. You know that new consultant, T? T is driving the documentation of the new process.

Me: So when no projects are compliant with the new process that no one is aware of, T, the consultant, will be blamed?

S: haha.. of course. You are like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix when he wakes up and realizes how everything really is.

Me: I knew I didn’t like that movie for a reason.

Goin’ Down in Flames

2003-04-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I watched someone shoot themselves in the foot and it was painful. He had come up with a way of building something that he thought was the best long term solution, but had been over ruled by our boss because it would take longer to build than what had been promised. It’s the classic technology: build for the future or get it out in a reasonable timeframe dilemna. So after our status meeting, after the Project Manager had left the room, he presented his idea to the business people despite having explicitly been told not to. What he doesn’t understand is that the business is going to want the long term solution, but still in the short term solution time frame and when we can’t deliver that, we are the failures (whether that seems sane or not, that is how it works in technology - at least where I work). yikes. I kind of watched in horror - knowing that in a way, it was the right thing for him to do, yet also knowing our boss is going string him up by his ankles when he finds out.

My Orange Asylum

2003-04-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

I work in a nuthouse, but sometimes it’s a nuthouse in a good way. Apparently, in a meeting today someone asked the question: what is up with Syracuse: why the Orangeman? Obviously, I wasn’t at this meeting, or I could have told them.. someone took it upon themselves to research the issue, and this email string ensued (subject: Why Orangemen?)

S: http://www.syr.edu/aboutsu/memorabilia/orange.html
C: (to me): That’s something you can really take pride in.
Me: even better is the story of the Orangeman himself!
http://www.suathletics.com/sports/gen/2001/mascot.asp
At least we didn’t pick Egnaro the Troll!
Let’s go orange!!
C: Oh my word . . .
S: Orange you glad you know that…..
C: I think I hear a rimshot somewhere in the background.
D: Orange you all glad I won’t ask questions like this anymore?
S: But they’re so ap-peeling!
S: Well, we better all get back to the rind now….
C: Take my wife, please.
M: “Say-Your-Excuse” for “Oranging” this email earlier? Ha-Ha-Ho-Ho-He-he

I missed the whole thing because I went downstairs for a soda.

Out of the Mouths of Co-Workers..

2003-04-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

A co-worker of mine just sent me an email with his biggest lesson learned from working here:

Never, ever do anything that would make an a** kisser look bad in front of the a**

so true…

Damn, it Feels Good to be a Gangsta..

2003-03-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

my cubicle neighbor and I have been singing this wonderful song from Office Space all afternoon.

Stars of a Different Variety

2003-03-25T22:23:00.000-05:00

Calling Scott Adams… Yesterday at work, we were summoned to a conference call to discuss my divisions’ “important acheivements” from the last year. Even before I get on the call, I’m rolling my eyes. The point of the call was to tell us that of the thousands of people in the division, a select few have been named “Stars” for excellent service and get an exciting gift pack (aka t-shirt). I send off an email to a co-worker to ask: is this a joke? I have things to do. Before she can even respond, the call goes on to explain that “Stars” compete with the “Stars” from other divisions to see which groups employees are “Shooting Stars”. Are we still in kindergarden here? I start looking around to see if everyone else is having as hard a time as I am not laughing. Almost everyone in eyesite seems to be taking this seriously… leading me to believe that my co-workers are stark raving mad! Why on God’s green earth would any company think being called a “Shooting Star” is motivating?

Is this a Friggin’ Joke?

2003-03-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

excerpt from actual email received today:

… bong file=” ” option. Bong file should allow a friendly message to be displayed.

you can’t be serious.

Also, when I say I don’t have time to discuss something right now because I have things to get ready for a meeting I have in an hour.. that is not a fucking cue to continue to wax on about your ideas for another project that isn’t scheduled to launch for a year until I literally have to just turn around and start typing to make you go away.

Thank you, I feel much better.

I Am the Lowest of the Low

2003-03-07T22:21:00.000-05:00

A guy in my dept. is getting a new laptop, so someone from the IT group came to set it up for him. The IT guy went away and the guy getting the new laptop came to my cube to rub in my face that he has a new laptop.. here is the conversation:

me: that guy looks like the kind of guy that when he bends over, you can see his butt crack
he: yes, I think that every time I see him. But he isn’t as bad as the other one, the angry one with the long braid..
me: He doesn’t come across as angry to me
he: maybe not, but he stinks!

at this point in the conversation we hear a loud cough from the cube behind mine (which has been empty due to a consultant leaving). The butt crack guy is in there re-imaging the PC! Then he gets up and we see him walk by. Me and my co-worker stare at each other, redfaced, in complete horror. We are so mortified! We’ve insulted him and his co-worker.. see if we ever get any IT support again. I am making a vow not to say mean things anymore (at least outloud)..

** Update: Butt crack guy must not have heard (or understood that it was about him). He later returned and talked my co-worker for a long time, telling him all kinds of crazy stuff like that he was studying forensic science so he could be a police officer, that he carries a gun - but never to bars and he doesn’t like the women he meets in bars anyway. Although, perhaps the IT guy was punishing my co-worker with this wacky endless conversation.

It’s Way too Early..

2003-03-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

to be at work listening to people complain that customers aren’t going to a specific marketing page (when the only way to get to that marketing page is a link from a different marketing page that has way too much copy on it so people close it almost immediately). Sigh..

Common Sense is NOT Common!

2003-02-26T22:35:00.000-05:00

We’re trying to set up a feed from a mainframe to display information on our site. I say: what info is available on the mainframe. The developer gives me a list of high level product sets. I say: what products are listed under each of these product sets? And what are the attributes associated with these products (I need to know this because if it’s not what the business needs to display, we will need to find out what other system does have the information). Developer hems and haws that he will have to get the information from the mainframe people, blah blah.. I say: last week you printed out screen shots for one product from the mainframe.. can’t you do that for each screen? (and the bubble in my head says: what is the big friggin’ deal? It’s maybe 20 pages). Finally, the Project Manager makes him do it. He makes a big production of telling me he’s faxed me the information I need, so the PM gets off his case. I’m in meetings all afternoon and finally when I get to look at the fax it’s ONE friggin’ product set out of the 7. Why would he pick one? Naturally, I need this information tomorrow for a meeting and of course he goes home at 4. Why do developers have no common sense? I mean: how hard is it to understand why I might need this information and not be a chump???

Sometimes Work is OK

2003-02-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

especially when you get highly amusing emails like these in response to my report of a bug on our site which had been experienced by myself and another person:

developer: What are the reproduction steps (not in biological terms)

the other person responds:
Logged in
Logged out
Took a rubber band and shot Bill in the back of the head
He retaliated which set off a shooting war between Bob/Bill vs. Ben and me
We had to stop because one of the rubber bands flew into someone else’s cube and they complained
I went back to the browser to click on the Home page and got that error

yeah, I work with a mature bunch.. but it is entertaining.

Give Me a Break

2003-01-31T22:34:00.000-05:00

Today I had a conversation with a co-worker about the fact that elderly people have been calling up to complain out our application because they don’t know what to do when they encounter something like the following:

Select One
Option A
Option B

OR enter your own:

I say if you can’t figure that out, you shouldn’t be on the internet. Log off now. I suggested that we add a link to our site that says: if you are over 80 years old, click here. And my co-worker says and the link will go to oursite-for-dummies.com.
hahahhhaahhaha.. I am evil. I’m usually a strong advocate for not making the site confusing for the users (despite how much easier it may be for the developers to code it that way), but there has to be a line - a minimum of knowledge should be able to be assumed.

Is it bad..

2003-01-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

to write your self evaluation after drinking too much because it’s due in the morning and this is the only time you’ve had to do it… let’s consider that your manager probably won’t even read it, and will just cut and paste whatever you write into whatever form they need to fill out, so you might as well just make yourself seem super human (because in your current state, you believe you are and either way your raise will be minimal due to economic factors).

I’m tired..

2003-01-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

so the launch went on into the wee hours of the morning. Nothing ever goes as planned.. but that is life. Let the blamestorming begin! Somehow I am at work today (though I didn’t get here until 1pm), whereas most people involved in the launch took the day off, but I am taking tomorrow off instead to make a 4 day weekend. Yeehaw!. As you can see I have nothing really to say as not all synapses are firing at full power. But Town Without Pity made me laugh today.

Angst..

2003-01-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

I think some in my group have pre-launch anxiety because there is a full out search for whomever put the yellow stickies on the antique chairs. Whose writing is this? Why would someone do that? It’s too funny. As if the person who did it will be admiting it now.

There once were a pair of chairs..

2003-01-14T22:32:00.000-05:00

and they were lovely chairs that sat outside a conference room… looking for all the world like decorations as there would be almost no reason for anyone to sit in them in their current location. Never the less.. today appeared on each chair a yellow post-it announcing: This is an antique chair, do not sit. So if it’s an antique chair, not for sitting, one could assume that it’s there for it’s aesthetic value and beauty - the same aesthetic value and beauty which is now ruined by a stupid yellow post-it.

Tech Translation..

2003-01-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

A new defect was reported in our application - a defect that had already been entered and was supposed to be fixed long ago. Emails are sent, tempers flare. The tech leads first response to almost every defect is: I can’t reproduce it, so it’s not a defect.. however, many times the defects do rear their ugly heads later. The QA lead has lost patience with our friend, the tech lead and thus we have this email exchange:

QA: Please don’t even go down that road!!! This is the same way we went last time we found this NONE of these will be reproducible!!!
Tech: We are looking into it, but sometimes weird stuff happens once in the internet space…
QA: translation: “…..I don’t have time for this I need to go smoke”

Wo-ho!

2003-01-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

a work related conference call at 8pm on a Friday night. Could my life could be any cooler? I think I’m the only female on this call… why do guys yell on conference calls? I’m going deaf.

I Am Displeased

2003-01-02T10:29:00.000-05:00

because I am at work. Same shit, different year.

Horrible project quote of the day

2002-12-19T22:42:00.000-05:00

it’s great that you got that script to work in the test environment for your project, but you do realize that this script will break site B in production because their site is coded differently.

When I first started here, there was a woman in my group who had a piece of paper taped to her desk. The paper had a circle on it and underneath the circle it said: hit head here. It’s no mystery why… people who sit right next to each other can’t be bothered to communicate or think about how what they are doing will affect anyone else, they just do whatever they want. Is it like this everywhere or is there something about my company culture that attracts the insane to work here?

And the beat goes on

2002-12-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

now my work phone isn’t working and it tells incoming callers that my phone extension (which for some reason it thinks is 0000) isn’t valid. HA.. no one can call me! Even better is our internal network is down, so I can’t even get to the intranet which is where I need to go in order to report my phone problem.

My Work Email is Full

2002-12-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

and maybe I just won’t clean it out. Eventually, they will start bouncing emails and that might not be a bad thing…

Diversity

2002-11-25T22:37:00.000-05:00

Today my entire department was signed up for a diversity training class. This could be considered a good thing, but regular readers may recall that in my department there is some tension between the males and the females. I tried to make the point to my boss that having us all in the same class wouldn’t be that helpful because how could you talk about situations openly when the person you may be talking about is sitting right next to you. But my boss would have no part of it, I think his exact words were: I am aware of the situation, other people have complained and given me examples, but at least after diversity training theoretically they should know how to behave and I can speak to them if they continue to act badly. What a crock of shit! My boss gets credit for the % of people on his staff that go to the training. That is why he set up a special class just for us to ensure we all went. The horrifying thing is (and you could see this coming a mile away) that since we are so close to launch, the most egregious offenders would say they were too busy to go. This is exactly what happened. Also, the guys in my department have been mocking the class ever since it was announced.. they will tell, for example, an ethnic joke and then laugh and say.. hahaha we need to go to diversity training. hahaha.

So I was pissed even before the class began.

Let me just give you a sampling of some of things that were said in the class (because I really do want to get fired - ha!).
- The first exercise was to determine the top 3 characteristics that you felt defined yourself (i.e. male/female, parent, married/single, Caucasian, etc. etc.), rank them and then we used stickers to put them up on a board to see where the clusters were. Only one person chose Heterosexual as a way of identifying himself. As we are looking at the results he raises his hand and says: I put myself as heterosexual and no one put homosexual, should I assume that the rest of you don’t have any sexuality?

There were two facilitators, a man and a woman. The woman was going through the different elements we would talk about that day. One being gender. She asked which gender is considered dominant and which subordinate. Many of the men in the room started saying women were in charge (or dominant). The facilitator was so taken aback that she completely lost control of the group. She asked why they thought that and they would say things like: who is deciding what I’m eating for dinner tonight? The women in the room just sat there with their mouths open. While I do think women have more influence in the world than they are given credit for, I really felt they were just mocking the class or attempting to look progressive, which they are not. It was really bad because they wouldn’t let this facilitator get a word in. Later, when the male facilitator was talking we brought up how no one interrupted him and there were no comments from the peanut gallery. By the way, 100% of women chose female as one of their characteristics, while only 67% of men chose male as one of theirs (meaning that they just don’t think as much about being male as something that shapes them).

Then we did an exercise where the women has to pretend they were men and say what they would like about being men (at work) and not like about being men and vice versa for the guys… The women came up with lists like:
pros: getting respect, not be second guessed, having their opinions matter, equal pay and promotions, having self confidence
cons: lack of bathroom privacy, having to be aggressive
The mens list:
pros: mood swings are understandable, get to leave early to take care of children, womens support network, more attention
cons: too many clothing options/we won’t know how to dress appropriately, having to act “lady like”
When asked to define “lady like” all they could say was proper… and not swearing or being aggressive. One woman said: so not being a bitch? It was classic! Then I asked what “more attention” meant and they said people pay more attention to women, what they wear, etc. So you mean in a sexual way, they are checking them out? yes. There was this girl who is about 25 from a different group there and she said: yes! That is really an advantage for women! And she meant it. She is too stupid to realize that they aren’t thinking you are qualified because you are attractive, it has no bearing on your work, promotions or pay. Another women made the point that men are only checking out the women that are young and attractive, if you’re older or not attractive, this isn’t really an advantage, is it?
Then we actually had a guy say that when he was in business school his professor had thrown out an idea (and he’s not saying he agrees with it, but….). The idea: that statistically because women go on maternity leave and do have to miss work for children’s events, that they provide less value (or they cost the company more in benefits) to the company and that should be factored into their pay. The facilitators didn’t even want to go there, so we didn’t even get to go into that one.
What I noticed was that the guys seemed to think that because women were the primary caregivers of children, that automatically made them less interested in their careers (note to guys: false!) and this was somehow a justification for taking women less seriously at work. I don’t think that is what it is because they don’t take any women seriously, it doesn’t matter if they have children or not.
Then the guys questioned how having self confidence was a pro, but aggressiveness was a con. To them it was the same thing. I had to explain that you can be self confident without being overly aggressive and stepping on everyone to get your way. They all looked at me with their mouths open, the women all nodded.

Towards the end of the day we reached the sexual orientation part of the class, where one of my co-workers was pretty much called a bigot by the facilitator. The exercise was: if you were heterosexual and worked at a company that was 95% non-heterosexual and you weren’t “in” to your co-workers - how would you handle the office holiday party. Would you bring your significant other, go alone … would you worry about this? The facilitator asked what other things people would worry about and this guy raises his hand and says: if I went alone, I would be afraid that all the guys would hit on me. So I raised my hand and said: that could happen at any holiday party, it just might not be guys. So the facilitator said: at your holiday party, do you have to fend off many unwanted advances from women? He says: ah.. no. The facilitator says: so why do you think that all the gay people are going to be hitting you? The 25 year old girl says: so you think all these guys would be checking you out at the party just because their gay? I don’t think when I go to a holiday party that the heterosexual guys are checking me out. I swiveled around in my seat to stare at her in amazement. What planet has she been living on? Of course one guy in my department says to her: well, you should. I did have to laugh at that one. Of course this was followed by a women in the group saying she would be concerned about whether the party would be at a strip club. The facilitator said that there were obviously some stereotype issues in the room that are below the surface and need to be worked on.

these are just examples of what I deal with every day… tommorrow I will go in and listen to the guys make fun of the class all day and whisper and giggle amongst themselves about what the women said. Ok, not every guy is like this, I know. Just most of the ones I work with.

Project status update conference call quote of the day:

2002-11-19T22:36:00.000-05:00

business person to project manager: so you are asking me to not consider this showstopping issue a showstopper so we can launch?

120%

2002-11-15T22:49:00.000-05:00

We just got this email from the project manager on my project saying how everyone has been doing so great, and we’ve all given 120%, aren’t we all wonderful… blah, blah, blah. Supposedly moral boosting, but in reality just produces eye rolling. So someone replies: I have to disagree, I think Phillip only gave 108%. I have been laughing for 10 min. I can’t stop. I think I’m going over the edge. I think I’ll put my head down on my desk for awhile.

yeah, the home stretch of any project is always a nightmare.

** update: and then Phillip replied and said: well I think Amy only gave 99.91%
waaaa!!

Get your butt over here and fix my hard drive!

2002-11-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

About a week an a half ago I received this thrilling email:
Please be advised that [random technology group acronym] has identified a potential problem with your desktop computer that requires your assistance. Your Compaq desktop contains a hard drive, which has been recalled by the manufacturer and is in need of replacement or proactive repair. This recall affects only those model desktops that have been identified to contain one of the following three types of hard drives.
� Fujitsu 10gig
� Maxtor Rigel 10gig
� Seagate Vail 10gig
The hard drive has been recalled or is in need of repair due to a higher than normal reported failure rate. Therefore, we are taking proactive measures to replace and repair these hard drives prior to failure.

So I copy of everything of value on my hard drive to the network.

Email received today (from person in same technical group with bizarre acronym):
You have exceeded your disk storage limits on the [whatever] network. Please move the following files [big list of large files] to your c:\ drive by Fri. They will be deleted for you on Fri. if you do not comply.

sincerely, the network nazi*

What the fuck? I think I’m entirely justified in replying: then get your butt over here and fix my hard drive!

* not his real name. This is not our first run in as I have tried to make him understand in the past that making people keep most information on their hard drives makes no sense as hard drives aren’t backed up, but the network is… but he won’t have any part of it.

I give 110%

2002-10-11T22:48:00.000-04:00

We are implementing a new content management system for our site and are going to customize it to our needs. This is an excerpt from an email I just received about training on the product:
check out the description for the course and make a recommendation as to whether or not they believe the course would be beneficial. If so, then we’ll certainly fund the course. Just let me know what you think. There is one catch: When I checked out training options initially yesterday, there were two courses available - one if CA and one in Sophia-Antiplois, France. The CA course appears to have been removed and now all courses appear to be executed out of Europe. I don’t think we can fund European travel unless it’s done on a shoestring budget (and I’d bet the class would be of significantly less value if taught with a thick French accent). Let’s monitor to determine if there was a sitewide content update error on the site (which would be a bit humorous given their product focus, no?) - or if they no longer offer Americas-based training.

well, let me just tell you that I am 110% committed to my job and if that means I have to go for training in France, well so be it! Anything to ensure the success of this project which is so vital for our business lines. Excuse me, I must go shop for a beret.

Move On

2002-10-07T22:47:00.000-04:00

well, we actually moved - the movers did the deed in the middle of the night, while there was no risk of picketing. Crafty. We have moved to a building that operates on a different phone system, so we had to get new phone numbers… but I’m loving this because most people don’t know our new numbers, so I’m not getting many calls. Do you know how much work you can get done without phone interuptions? wo-ho.

Move Cancelled

2002-10-04T22:47:00.000-04:00

Holy Moly. My office move has been canceled because of the janitors strike we are having here in Boston. What does a janitors strike have to do with my move you may ask.. think union, my friends. The Teamsters won’t cross picket lines, even if it isn’t really their strike. So our movers have cancelled our move. They are afraid that we would get half way through the move and picket-ers would hold the trucks hostage. Yikes. The movers heard that the janitors are bringing in reinforcement picketers from NY and NJ to demonstrate (I guess) over the weekend. It’s a little chaotic here as we are all packed, our network is supossed to go down soon and no one knows when we will be able to move..

Movin’ on Up?

2002-10-02T22:46:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow my dept. moving to a new office location. Wo-friggin-ho. I’ve been saying I want to escape from my beige cube.. well, I am! To a greenish cube.. but it is larger, with taller walls and I’m getting a 21 inch monitor. Just in time because currently, my office smells like a stink bomb went off in it. I’m trying really hard to breathe through my mouth. I mean it smells bad! On occasion, our bathroom can smell pretty nasty because there doesn’t seem to be ventilation of any kind, but right now the office smells like like they turned on the ventilation and are pumping the bathroom air out onto the floor. ack! I think OSHA needs to be alerted.

Emplyee Appreciation, indeed

2002-09-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

Employee appreciation, indeed. This week is employee appreciation week at work. Instead of valuing good work all year round, we get one week of free food (Monday: pastries & coffee, Tuesday: greasy pizza & calzones.. the ice cream social is coming. My old boss has deemed it: make the employees fat week) which everyone (no matter how inept) shares in. Today’s festivities include an outing at some place with miniature golf which is over an hour away. I don’t think anyone in my group wanted to go, because it is far away and because we don’t interact much with the people in the other groups that are invited, we won’t know anyone there. So my boss said we could instead just take the afternoon off. The sad thing is that although the day is supposed to be a big team building event made to make everyone feel valued, I, and most of my coworkers are most excited about having the afternoon off and just getting away from the place. I think that says something (maybe that I work in a Dilbert cartoon).

Creative Response

2002-09-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

Our creative guy has sent me a Dilbert as a another response to my post about creative vs. technical types. As usual, Dilbert calls it like he sees it.

*disclaimer: I know all technical types are not bad at UI.. but when they are bad, they are really bad.

Workplace funnies

2002-09-20T22:44:00.000-04:00

A couple of entertaining incidents from my day:

1. I stumbled across this article today: Use an inventive approach when working with ‘Creatives’. Even I, as a person in a technical group winced at how this article talked about creative types as if they were another species whose mission it is to annoy the technical people. It was pretty one sided from the technical perspective. So I passed it on to our creative type because I do like to rile him up sometimes..

here is his response:
I am so offended. As if we should allow the Techno Weenies to design the UI!

Look at that guy. He probably is a Trekkie who never gets any…

2. We are entering the testing phase for our release and our QA lead sends out a document to all involved on how to use the bug tracking software. Most ignore it and it’s the usual free for all. So he sends out a follow up email:
p.s. instructions are in the “must read” document called Bug Tracking Instructions.doc

Elizabeth Smith of The New Yorker says “…….Bug Tracking Instructions.doc is a real page turner, I couldn’t put it down”
John Henry of Time Magazine says “…….Bug Tracking Instructions.doc could be the next Magna Carta!”

3 is the magic number

2002-09-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

Today I came in and a big interoffice envelope was on my chair. I thought: is it benefit sign up time, already? But NO.. it’s a package all about Employee Appreciation Week which is at the end of Sept. In it there is tons of information on how we can have a bulletin board that lists employee accomplishments and tells us we can have a party (with balloons!)… like an ice cream social b/c it “shows appreciation through a universal medium - food!”. But the best part is the book: 301 More Ways to Have Fun at Work (note: we never got the first 301 Ways book). Wow.. my morale is soaring now. I don’t know why they think treating us like we are 5 will make us feel valued. Perhaps actually rewarding good work might be rewarding (gasp!). And the worse part is, whenever they pull stuff like this it’s usually followed a few months later by bad news.. like layoffs, or no raises or bonus reduction. Yeah, an ice cream social really makes up for that. I guess I should be grateful to have my job since so many people don’t have that luxury. So I’ll just keep telling myself: I do like my job, I do like my job, I do like my job..

lolly, lolly, lolly…

2002-09-02T22:43:00.000-04:00

I didn’t actually open the book 301 More Ways to Have Fun at Work, but I’ve been told some of the ideas in the book include: asininely* dressing up as bubble bees and taking a can of spam** to various places and having your photograph taken with the can of spam. good grief! Not to mention that it has a top 10 list of fun places to work and one of the entries is: “any dot com” company. I think I should check out the copyright date on the book, eh?

* this is an adverb
** frightening meat like product, hopefully only available in the U.S.

No air

2002-08-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

There is no a/c in the office today and even though it isn’t hot out today, it is really hot in here and there is no air movement. In fact I think that they are sucking the air out of the office. I can barely keep my eyes open and I am starting to feel sick… argh.. no.. air… must… breath… arahhahahahdfgggjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Developers CAN have a sense of humor!

2002-08-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

I’m doing a little testing at work. I was checking form validation. I noticed it wasn’t checking postal codes if the user was from Canada. I asked a developer (who is from Canada) what format Canadian postal codes come in and he said: LetterNumberLetterNumberLetterNumber, so if you sent mail to Santa it would be H0H0H0. hehe.. so cute.

More QA Madness

2002-08-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

Today my QA lead came by and said: “testing in FBuild is like taking the air out of the tire of a moving truck”.

hehehe. He needs a blog of his own. Or I can just continue to steal his material and put it here. It’s not wrong as long as I give him credit, right?

And the remaining developers are of questionable sanity

2002-08-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

A woman at work is having a party this weekend and she sent out an email with logistics and what people could bring, etc. This is one of the developers responses (and this is a direct quote):

I could bring dynamite. :^)

The Titanic of technology projects?

2002-08-13T22:53:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to think developers will do almost anything to get to the lifeboats escape our project. We’ve had 2 quit, not one but 2 have gone out on short term disability to have different surgeries, 1 is switching to a different technology group in our company and the best is that yesterday one used a truck to stop himself as he was rollerblading too fast and now may have a herniated disc. I tell him to be careful and wear protective gear but does he listen? no. He won’t wear protective gear because he doesn’t want to look like a geek (oh the irony! he is a developer and thus a geek by definition!). Deathwish boy. Anyway, none of this may sound that bad except for we only had 11 or 12 developers, so this is a fairly high % of defections. You had a higher % chance of getting off the Titanic alive than being a developer who makes it to the end of this project.

Riverdance

2002-08-08T22:52:00.000-04:00

One of the projects I’m working on is in QA right now and things have been going a little rough. Our poor QA lead is close to the edge and maybe he has gone right over…
I was at my desk, on the phone when he came by and just starting asking me and the woman who sits next to me if we Riverdanced? We sort of looked at each other and said what?! He continues walking down the aisle. The next thing I see is him going up and down the aisle Riverdancing.. passing my cube back and forth.. It was the funniest thing I think I’d ever seen at work. Then he just went back to his desk and wasn’t heard from again for the rest of the day.

Oh the humiliation

2002-08-06T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today I replied to an email sent to me by a a guy I work with. I admit, I was nitpicking what someone he had said. I wrote: I hate to be anal, but.. blah blah blah. Well, apparently I forgot the word “be” in the above sentence because he responded:
You hate to anal? That’s interesting info!

I’m still trying to come up with a witty retort, but words escape me.